German Letters

Letter from a client to his bank published in the New York Times

Sayın Bank Authority,
I am a customer with an 86 account at your bank.
The other day, I wrote a $ 100 check to my plumber.
This check itself should somehow be conveyed to your 3 nanosaniyya bank that it has been taken from my account without breaking the amount of funds I have assessed in your bank.
Of course, my account is not money for the moment 30 dollars interest and penalties are taken. I had $ 1.000.000 in my funds.
When I complained about this, I got close to a half an hour on my bank phone with an impersonal, impatient, band-recorded and faceless lady voice.
I listened to music in the meantime and I had to press 28 times on different keys. But I have not reached anyone.
As you know, I have billions of dollars every month, mortgage interruptions, credit card payments.
From now on I am CANCELING the automatic payment of all of these from my account.
From now on, I want a customer representative who understands that I am made of etten bone and speaks English.
You understand that the best compliment is to imitate it.
I will do like you.
Your customer representative will call me for every payment, and 28 will key in a password that I will give to you that is not too small.
Then, if 1 keys will make an appointment with me, 2 keys will be able to leave a message about payment, 3 keys will connect to my living room, I will answer if I am there, 4 keys will connect to my bedroom and talk to me if I am not sleeping, 5 keys will reach the toilet, 6 keys will reach my mobile phone, 7 keys will be able to leave a message on my computer. If he keys to 8, he can listen to them again.
If there are occasions to wait, I promise you, I will listen to some of the old plates and a nice piece of music from the gramophone.
Only you, ricam, let me tell you the credentials of your staff, mother's maiden name, signature circulars from the notary public, and financial information including title deeds.
I also made a contract like you. 8 page. Yours was 42 pages, I have been faithful. This contract will also be assigned to me by the customer representative, the branch manager of your bank and the board of directors signing the contract and sending me a contract with forwarding.
After passing this contract elite, I will send the 28 melee code that I will identify to the customer representative. Of course this code will change every month.
I will apologize and ask you 20 dollars each month for this contract and transactions.
If you can not fulfill these conditions, please prepare 1.000.000 cash in cash, I will take it tomorrow.
I wish you good deeds, as soon as you reach me.
Kindly regards,
Your customer…